The Stinky Dave guide to climb categories

Cyclists love to categorise things and climbs are no exception.  We often talk in hushed tones about category 4, category 3, category 1 climbs or even the dreaded HC climb. What does it all mean? 

There are lots of legends about how climbs are categorised starting with the classic that climbs were categorised based on the gear you used to drive your trusty Citreon 2CV up the hill. If you could drive up in 4th gear, it was a category 4 climb.

In the information age, it comes down to hard maths – you multiply the distance by the average gradient squared. So a 10.4 km climb with an average gradient of 7.3% would give you a score of 10.4 x (7.3 x 7.3) = 554.  This score is then assessed using the following table:-

          900+           – HC (hors categorie)

         600-900       – Category 1

         300-600       – Category 2

         150-300       – Category 3

         75-150         – Category 4

         25-75          – Category 4

Who here though wants to let mathematics get in the way of a good time?

With the Giro on TV now and le Tour coming up in July, not to mention my trip next year to the Snowy Mountains, today  I thought I’d publish my guide to climb categories. What better way to explain these mysteries than by using something near and dear to me – food. So, settle in, grab a snack, and let’s dig in!

Category 5: The Salad

Average Gradient: <3%
Distance:  Less than 2 km
Altitude Gain: Around 100-200 m

Ah, the humble salad. Crisp, refreshing, and a great way to ease into a meal—or a ride. Category 5 climbs are like a light garden salad with a sprinkle of vinaigrette. They’re short, sweet, and barely noticeable, just enough to get your legs warmed up. These are the climbs you encounter on your Sunday recovery ride or when you’re just spinning around the neighbourhood. Think of them as the appetizers of the cycling world. You’ll nibble through them without breaking a sweat. Also, never forget what Homer Simpson said – “You don’t make friends with salad.”

Category 4: The Soup

Average Gradient: 3-5%
Distance: 2 to 5 km
Altitude Gain: 200-500 m

Moving up the menu, we have the soup—specifically, a hearty bowl of minestrone. Category 4 climbs are longer and steeper than your salad climbs, much like how soup is more substantial than a salad. You’ll start to feel these climbs in your legs, but they’re still manageable. They add some texture to your ride, a bit like how a good soup warms you up and gets you ready for the main course. These climbs will make you take a sip of water and maybe shift down a gear or two.

Category 3: The Pasta

Average Gradient: 5-7%
Distance: 2 to 5 km
Altitude Gain: 200-500 m

Now we’re talking. Category 3 climbs are like a big plate of pasta carbonara. They’re filling, a bit more challenging, and definitely make you work for your dinner. These climbs are longer and steeper, the kind that makes you sit back in your saddle and grind it out. You’ll need to pace yourself and maybe even stop for a breather. Just like pasta, they can be a bit of a slog, but the sense of accomplishment (and the delicious endorphins) you get at the top is worth every calorie burned.

Category 2: The Porterhouse

Average Gradient: 7-9%
Distance: 5 to 15 km
Altitude Gain: 500-1000 m

Bring out the big guns—Category 2 climbs are your porterhouse steak. Thick, hefty, and demanding respect. These climbs are long, steep, and relentless, much like how a good steak demands your attention. You’ll be out of your saddle, pushing hard, and questioning your life choices as you climb. These aren’t just hills; they’re mountains in the making. Completing a Category 2 climb is like finishing a steak dinner: you feel a mix of pride and exhaustion, with a side of “I can’t believe I just did that.”

Category 1: The Christmas Dinner

Average Gradient: 9-12%
Metrics:Distance: 15 to 20 km
Altitude Gain: 1000-1500 m

Welcome to the banquet of pain. Category 1 climbs are the full Christmas dinner with all the trimmings. They’re enormous, complex, and will leave you in a food coma. These climbs are seriously long and brutally steep. You’ll need every ounce of energy, every gel, every bar, and possibly a mid-climb snack break to conquer these beasts. They’re the kind of climbs that make your legs scream and your spirit soar. After tackling one of these, you deserve a round of applause—and maybe a nap.

Hors Catégorie (HC): The Degustation Menu

Average Gradient: >12%
Metrics:Distance: Over 20 km
Altitude Gain: Over 1500 m

And then there’s the Hors Catégorie (HC) climb, the ultimate challenge—the 12-course degustation menu at a Michelin-starred restaurant. These climbs are beyond categorisation, utterly monstrous, and reserved for the truly adventurous (or slightly mad). They’re the kind of ascents that legends are made of. You’ll need all your skills, strength, and possibly the assistance of a friendly tow truck. Completing an HC climb is an epic achievement, worthy of its own epic feast. When you reach the summit, it’s like earning a chef’s kiss from the universe.

So there you have it, peeps. Next time you’re out on a ride and facing a climb, just think about where it fits in your own culinary journey. Whether you’re nibbling on the salad or tackling the degustation tasting menu, remember to savuor every pedal stroke. Bon appétit and happy climbing! 🚴🍴